So you’re planning a trip to the World Cried. Excellent choice of destination. It could certainly use the tourism, as things have been a little… stifled since the Great Drought. Here’s a list of the top ten things you need to pack, know, and see in order to have a gratifying travel experience, and more importantly, not die.
- Make sure your suntan lotion is at least SPF 1000.
The World Cried is a little on the scorching side these days. You’ve probably heard rumors of lush lands flushed green and alive, where you can walk a hundred feet in any direction and pick fruit as big as your fists. Where the Cold breaks on mountain rocks, cooling the air and the boiling rivers, so that you could swim and drink straight from the current. Alas, those were the glory days eight hundred years ago, before the Great Drought. Now the brutal Sun has free rein over the land and will scorch you down to the bones if you don’t protect yourself properly! A good hat won’t hurt.
- The Paphos Library
Scrolls and scrolls and scrolls galore! When visiting the capitol of the Khatdom, learn all about the history of the High Noble houses and the great deeds of the long line of Khat leaders. (Praise be to them!) There are also lots of nifty sculptures and paintings including ‘The Cause’, the famous oil-on-boilweed canvas which illustrates all the horrible things the Jadans did to anger the Crier way back when. Those pesky Jadans! So unworthy of the Cold that the gracious Nobles dole out of their own pockets.
- The Crying
This is certainly the main attraction you’ll want to witness of the World Cried, and is not to be missed for any reason. Marvel at the thousands of pieces of Cold streaking through the night sky, a gift from the Crier Himself! If you don’t make an effort to see the Crying, then frankly you’ve wasted your money and you should have just gone to visit Degobah or Middle Earth instead. The Crying only happens in the Khat’s Patches behind the pyramids, so make sure to get a good vantage point and watch out for Sobek lizards while walking outside of the city. Folding chairs are a good choice if you choose to watch this natural phenomenon from the dunes.
- The River Singe
Witness the largest and most intense boiling river in all of the Khatdom! Just don’t try to drink straight from the water or you’ll get heat blisters along your throat for the rest of the trip. Also no swimming or diving…or you will die.
- Pick up some Closed Eye jewelry from the Market Quarter.
Even though the World Cried might seem ‘dead’ and ‘awful’ and ‘in a state of complete and utter suffering’ to some visitors, there are still plenty of hidden gems to stumble upon! For example, the Market Quarter of Paphos is a vibrant hub of bustling commerce. The pound-to-Cold exchange rate is pretty steep, but you’ll certainly get your money’s worth in the form of sunsilk shirts, lovely parasols and locally-sourced, organic figs. There are oodles of souvenir opportunities, so make sure to grab yourself something shiny with the image of the Closed Eye dangling from it. There’s no better way to show those freeloading Jadans their place than to wave a Closed Eye at them! Have fun with it!
- Visit a slave barracks.
Want to feel great about your life? Then make sure to visit one of the numerous and downtrodden slave barracks! Go see their terrible, but completely deserved lives firsthand and you’ll return home feeling so much better about your own! The Germans have a term for this reveling in the misery of others: Schadenfreude. Go get yourself some tasty Schadenfreude!
- The Khat’s collection of Frosts.
There are five types of Cold you can come across in the World Cried. Wisps, Drafts, Shivers, and Chills are fantastic, but there’s nothing like a Frost! Frosts are the biggest, most potent, most mysterious, and holiest pieces of Cold in the World Cried, and they all go straight to the Khat’s Pyramid. Mandatory! Only a select few visitors a day are given a tour of the Pyramid, so make sure to book early if you want to see one of these mystical beauties up close.
- Don’t get between a taskmaster’s whip and a Jadan.
Pretty self explanatory. And if you see the Vicaress disciplining a Jadan, then DEFINITELY don’t get in the way of that…or you might also die.
- Walk across one of the Great Bridges.
The rivers in the World Cried are all boiling hot, ever since the Crier took his Cold away—thanks a lot, Jadans!—but fortunately the wonderful and brilliant Nobles have found a way to tame these beastly waters. Sure, the Jadans built the Great Bridges, losing lots of lives in the process, but it was the nobles who commanded them to do so, which really makes the Nobles the heroes in this scenario. Find your way to one of the bridges and take in some breathtaking vistas and great picture opportunities! Pack a picnic lunch!
- Don’t ask about Langria.
The legendary Langria is a sore subject in the World Cried, especially amongst the Nobles, so make sure to avoid the topic and minimize the chance of a major faux pax. But definitely ask about the numerous caravan excursions to the Southern Cry Temples! Oooh camels!
Follow these tips and you and the whole family are sure to have a great time! But honestly you probably shouldn’t bring your kids. Enjoy your stay!
Coldmaker by Daniel A. Cohen is OUT NOW.
Eight hundred years ago, the Jadans angered the Crier. In punishment, the Crier took their Cold away, condemning them to a life of enslavement in a world bathed in heat. Or so the tale goes.